life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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