Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
