we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
