just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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