No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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