I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
