at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
