:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
