Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Randomize
