my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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