i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
