I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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