I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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