A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
