I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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