Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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