Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
