My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
