I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?