I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap