My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street