how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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