I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Oh god it's open bar.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
