i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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