what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
