smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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