the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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