broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
