I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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