you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
