The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
