I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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