I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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