I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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