cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
