Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
