I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
