I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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