I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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