I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
