When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
last night I used snow as a chaser
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
