Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
