On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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