I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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