I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
