If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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