5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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