i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
