1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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