Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
