he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
