I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
