looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
