So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
