I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
