he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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