I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
