it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
