White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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